With the death that our family experienced a few weeks ago, we have decided that it is time to sit down and have "that conversation." We're going to discuss the current contents of my parents' estate, the directives of their living trust, their medical directives, long term care insurance and wishes, where and how much they have in assets, and their wishes for final arrangements. We have talked casually about doing this, but we have finally set a date to hammer it all out.
Luckily, my family tree is not terribly complicated. My parents have been married for decades, no children from prior relationships, no assets that are not shared. They started their marraige with virtually nothing, and received from inheritances, or other sources, virtually nothing. What they have, they have together.
The kids are my siblings and me. One of my siblings has children, but the rest of us do not. We'll probably also spend some time making sure that that sibling is covered in terms of life insurance and a will.
On one hand, I'm looking forward to it very much. The fact there are so many loose ends that would take months to tie up makes me nervous. I look forward to discussing this stuff now, before it's too late. On the other hand, I'm very nervous about it. It's a difficult topic. Not one anyone ever wants to discuss with their family.
If you have had this conversation with your folks or your kids, advice would be greatly appreciated.
May I ask how old (roughly) your parents are? My parents are in their early 50's, so not quite ready to have "the talk".
NCN
Posted by: NCN | May 15, 2007 at 01:57 PM
NCN - I beg to differ. Having the conversation with your folks in their 50's will help them plan for the next 15 years before Social Security kicks in. It can help focus their planning and get them to see what they really want to do with their money.
I kid you not. I speak from experience. I had a bunch of difficult converations with my parents about how their lack of retirement planning was stressing me out (because Asian kids are expected to help their parents, go read the discussion over at MakeLoveNotDebt). Consequently, they got serious and 15 years later, they are in much better position than I thought they were. A huge relief!
Also, a heart attack or stroke can happen at any time, and I speak from experience on this point too. My mother was still a wreck from my dad's stroke, but at least she had some place to start revising their financial plan. I am REALLY grateful that we discussed DNR's and their wishes WAY before it was needed. As it was, I still had to consult some friends of mine in the medical profession to find out what 'extraordinary measures' we did and did not want while sh*t was going down in the hospital. Not fun.
I beg you guys, don't wait and don't just talk about money. Talk about dreams of retirement and living wills, intention and hopes. I learned a ton about my parents and how they think about the universe when we discussed DNR's and where they'd like to live in retirement and why.
Good luck LAMG!
Posted by: mapgirl | May 15, 2007 at 03:28 PM
I wish my parents would establish a will and stuff and they are 55 and 75. Sigh, do they need it? Yes because my parents said one thing their whole lives, DNR yet, when my grandfather died, they ignored it completely. They kept resuscitating him 4x, until he finally couldn't be resuscitated. So I would really like a serious talk with my mom and dad. Are they SERIOUS about DNR, I will follow their orders, or are they just kidding and they want me to ignore their orders?
FWIW, when I pressed my mom, she said I was "cruel, heartless, and uncompassionate." She said that how could I not want her resuscitated, that I was being totally selfish. That yes, she said DNR, but why wouldn't I keep her alive?
Can you see how pissed I am? I want to know the truth, she needs to stop jerking me about. This is total BS, I just want to know. Does she want to be kept alive or not? If yes then fine, I have no issues, but if not then fine also. But I think no one wants to face their mortality, and thus they pretend to be nobel. But when they are about to die, they don't really mean it.
Posted by: Livingalmostlarge | May 15, 2007 at 07:47 PM
Been there, done that, got the power of attorney that makes me the one that pulls my father's plug....LOL.
He has made is quite clear re the DNR order, and knows that I, being a soulless attorney, will oblige his wishes without batting an eye.
It really wasn't that tough of a discussion for us. Of course, my mother's 8 yr battle with breast cancer clarified the issues.
Posted by: Joey | May 16, 2007 at 06:20 AM
LMG, first sry for your loss man. I think I said it earlier, but just wanted to say it again. Second, I haven't had this discussion with my parents...it's prob time I do though. How'd you get through the awkwardness of even bringing up this topic? U mentioned "casually" but what does that mean?
Posted by: financial freedumb | May 17, 2007 at 01:05 AM
Thank you all for the comments. NCN, I agree with Mapgirl. It is never too early. As we began to discuss this regarding my parents, I asked my sister (the one with kids), if she and her husband have a will. I explained that if something happened, their instructions for the kids need to be on paper. She responded with a surprised, "I don't think we're going to die." Of course you don't. But life is unpredictable, and it makes sense to prepare.
FF, there's no easy way. The casual conversations have been my Dad saying things like, "when I'm gone, I want your mom to be able to stay in this house." I suppose it's easier to recognize your mortality in your 70s than your 50s. Nonetheless, if they aren't bringing it up, you should. Like I said, no easy way. Just give them an after school special type of moment, "Mom, Dad, I think we should talk." "What's on your mind, son?" "Well, some kids at school are experimenting with drugs..." oops, wrong after school special. But anyway, you get the idea.
Posted by: LAMoneyGuy | May 17, 2007 at 11:58 AM
This is one of the most important conversations you can have and one that SO many people dont have!
My MIL passed away right after we got married. That was 3 1/2 years ago. Even though her will was pretty straight forward and her wishes were pretty clear to her children, the estate is STILL not settled. The expectations on the executor were never spelled out.
Having clear expecations about the tangibles (house, property, etc), the money, funeral arrangements, etc are all so mportant. But so are the roles the family should play during that time.
Posted by: MoneyMama | May 25, 2007 at 07:41 AM
It's so nice to have you do all of the research for us. It makes our decision making so much easier!! Thanks.
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