I feel like we have discussed this before, but I can't find the topic anywhere. Actually, I have two questions, maybe three. Let me give you some of the back story. My Fiancee and I have two weddings to attend in November (again people, weddings on Saturdays during college football season is NOT acceptable!). These two weddings will make it seven for us this year. Typically, if the couple was my friend first, I buy the gift, and they were my Fiancee's friend first, she buys. We approach things a little differently. I generally scour the register online with a budget in mind, and look for things, or a combination of things, that are in my price range and have it shipped to the couple's house. She likes to go to the store, take the gift home and wrap it herself.
Also, my Fiancee is attending the shower for one of these weddings this weekend. She's trying to figure out what she is supposed to buy for the shower gift.
I Googled the question, "How much should you spend on a wedding gift?" and the answers varied.
About.com said, "The general rule of thumb is to try to estimate how much your meal will cost, or generally between $65 and $150 per person." Sounds rather steep.
WeddingChannel.com had surprisingly practical advice, "The rule of thumb is that you shouldn’t spend more than you can afford. If money is an issue, try your hardest not to be impulsive when you’re out there shopping for just the right present."
And Emily Post decided to remain mostly neutral, "There is no rule, so it is entirely up to you. Let your affection for the bride and groom and your budget be your guide."
But I'm not really interested in hearing what the internet thinks you SHOULD spend. I want to know what all of you out there actually DO spend on wedding gifts. So, here are my questions:
- How much DO you spend on wedding gifts?
- Do you double that number if you are attending "with guest" or as a couple, as opposed to single?
- How much do you spend on Shower or Engagement gifts?
I wanted to create a poll, but I'm just not tech savvy enough. So, if you would leave me responses in your comments, I would appreciate it. I'm just trying to get an informal idea of how people deal with this never ending issue.
For showers and pre-wedding parties, I just purchase a little something. Family tends to buy the more pricey items, as it should be. I generally focus more on things that relate personally - candles or such items.
For the wedding, I try to cover what I estimate our meal to cost. If it is a buffet, the cost is low and I will up my gift to about $50. If it is served at an elegant spot my gift will start at $100 and be adjusted for the location and menu. If the bar is included I up it again.
I don't think there is a wrong answer and all gifts are appreciated no matter what they are. Do what works for you and not what you feel is required.
Posted by: D | October 13, 2006 at 07:56 AM
It's a complicated formula for us, and it's a function of: how well we know the couple (+), who is paying for the wedding (them or parents) (-), whether one of us is in the wedding (-), and whether we went to the shower (-).
Here are a few examples:
- cousin, not very close, her parents were paying for wedding, shower gift $40, wedding gift (just me) $40
- best friend from college, I was in her $60k wedding that her parents were paying for. Paid $50 for shower gift, $50 for wedding gift, $250 for BM dress, and $400 for transportation to wedding
- good friend from college, could not attend, sent $100 gift from the both of us
- uncle, no shower but we both attended wedding, they paid for wedding, gift was $150
Posted by: S/100/30 | October 13, 2006 at 07:56 AM
And if it doesn't go without saying, I meant "formula" in the loose sense. We don't have an actual formula calculated! That's just my guess as to the different considerations that (often subconsiously) go into our decision to spend a certain amount.
Posted by: S/100/30 | October 13, 2006 at 07:58 AM
I would say on average I spend around $30. It's what I can afford, and I get something off the registry.
Posted by: bluntmoney | October 13, 2006 at 08:17 AM
I usually use the about.com rule and give approximatly what I think the meal cost - which around here is typically $50-$75pp. Usually will get something off the registry for the shower if needed, then give a check at the wedding (too many horror stories about the confusion and things getting lost at the wedding to give cash).
Posted by: Chuck | October 13, 2006 at 08:43 AM
We spend about $50-$100
Posted by: G. | October 13, 2006 at 08:54 AM
I usually spend $50 to $100, depending upon how close I am to the person getting married. One thing that I have noticed, while watching the registries of friends and my own registry, is that the gifts priced at or very close to $50 tend to be purchased first. The last gifts to drop off the registry usually seem to be those priced at under $20.
Posted by: GHoosdum | October 13, 2006 at 09:49 AM
We just got married, so I can tell you what people gave us (and what we thought). Most of our friends spent about $50 which is totally acceptable. They are all young and just out of college. Most of our relatives and family friends gave about $100 - $200. For my shower I would guess the gifts were between $30 - $50. But whatever you spend don't spend more than you can afford. Not only is it bad for you, but also it isn't that nice for the B&G. It's really uncomfortable to recieve a gift if you know the person couldn't afford it.
We've only been to one wedding so far and our gift was around $50. For the shower I went in with my mom for about $25.
A random aside: that's another good reason to send out save-the-dates as soon as you know the wedding date - people have at least a chance to budget travel, gifts, etc.
Posted by: edenz | October 13, 2006 at 10:02 AM
I try to be as generous as possible, given my budgetary restrictions. As a general rule, if the couple getting hitched is either a family member or really close friend of mine, I will give more - probably around $150 - $200. If I don't know them as well, less. My husband and I always give gifts jointly, and the amount is the same.
As for shower and pre-wedding parties, I think smaller, less-costly items are completely acceptable.
Posted by: Amanda | October 13, 2006 at 10:30 AM
Just out of school and going by myself - I was trying to keep a budget around $35. Now adays with my fiancee and myself we are in the $60-$75 range.
Posted by: 2million | October 13, 2006 at 10:49 AM
My general rule of thumb is to be guided by "the perfect present" rather than a dollar amount. I prefer to shop for gifts based on the person rather than my wallet. I have no idea where that nets me on the spectrum. I've spent as little as $20 on a wedding gift, and as much as $200.
Posted by: Jen | October 13, 2006 at 11:23 AM
It depends. I usually target the $40-$50 range. If I'm travelling a lot to get there, I'll spend less. If I'm skipping the wedding because I can't travel, I'll spend more.
If I've already bought a shower gift, I'll spend less.
I'm also very pro-registry, but very anti-inclusion of said registry in the invitation. It's the Oughts. We can get on the web to figure out where the couple is registered. (Or they can have a link on the general wedding webpage, but anything more than that is grasping.)
Posted by: HC | October 13, 2006 at 12:14 PM
I tend to spend $75-$100 per person attending. If the person is a really close friend, it's on the upper end. I had thought about varying it depending on the size and cost of the wedding, but most of the weddings I've gone too have been fairly big (40K+), so I don't really feel comfortable going too below the $75 mark.
Posted by: Lazy Man and Money | October 13, 2006 at 01:06 PM
Everyone seems on the bubble. 120% of the cost of the meal for adults. 50% for children. Depreciate for remoteness and appreciate for proximity for a close friend/relative. Oh, and youth and experience; the 36 yo second timer doesn't need/want Caphlon.
Posted by: Robert Cote | October 16, 2006 at 11:21 AM
I love the responses! I think S100/30 and Robert Cote have it right. There should be a formula for this.
120% of the cost per plate * (closeness factor of anywhere from .75 - 2.0) * 2 if bringing a guest * (travel costs range .75-.90)
So, a college friend with whom you were once close, but haven't seen in years invites you to a wedding three states over. You are bringing your fiancee who has never met the couple. The invitation is very fancy and the location looks like a moderately priced golf club on the internet.
Assumed cost per plate = $75
$75*120%*.9*2*.80=$129.60
Is that pretty fair? It's actually on the upper range of what I would actually have spent for this very scenario. I think I'm mostly in the $50-60 per person range most of the time.
And yes, of course a specific formula is silly. If the couple wants to get married at the Ritz Carleton, I'm not ponying up over $200 just because it is costing them an arm and a leg per plate unless it is family or someone else whom I am very close with.
Posted by: lamoneyguy | October 16, 2006 at 12:40 PM
I was the best man for my friends wedding several years ago and between my then girlfriend, now wife, we spent about $200 on a wedding gift. Two months ago we went to a wedding for my wife's best friend and we spent almost $300. We do not go to many weddings and will not spend near as much as we did on the last two weddings we attended. I don't think there is a specific amount one should spend but of course don't go broke on a gift.
Posted by: Andrew | October 16, 2006 at 05:16 PM
I asked this very same question on my blog last May when I was attending a chichi wedding and didn't know how to handle the situation, but no one replied :) Link: http://quartersaver.blogspot.com/2006/05/wedding-gifts-how-do-you-give-them.html
The gist was that I was going to a very expensive wedding (maybe $300-400 a head) put on by a friend from work. I had a hard time justifying giving this person more than I'd give a family member for their wedding, if we followed the "pay for you and your guest's meal" rule. In the end, I just stopped thinking about how much their wedding was costing and just considered what I would have given them regardless of the location...
Posted by: quartersaver | October 17, 2006 at 06:31 AM
We base it on how well we know them, if we are in it, and even what they gave us. That last one is kind of a sad reflection on society, but sometimes, that's the easiest way to do it. If we got married first and they gave us $50, we give then $50. Usually though, we spend between $80-100 if we are going, and around $50 if we can't make it.
Posted by: Megan | October 17, 2006 at 01:08 PM
I base how much I'll give on how well I know them.
At a minimum, I'll give $50 though. Considering costs involved, plus actually giving them a little extra, $50 should be the min.
As far as gifts other than cash, I rarely do it.
Posted by: financial freedumb | October 23, 2006 at 10:39 AM
For a friend I spend about £25 (=$40) and up to £100 (=$175) for a close family member. I don't give cash unless specifically requested and I almost always buy from the register if there is one.
Posted by: angela | October 25, 2006 at 09:33 AM
That's my problem with the "cover your plate" philosophy: the couple's decision to go cheap or uber-ritzy has nothing to do with me. Given that they make that decision without my input, I don't let it guide my gift selection process.
Posted by: Jen | October 26, 2006 at 08:56 AM
What if you are one of the bridesmaids? Im second out of 5 bridesmaids and my fiance is also my partner. its my cousins wedding (groom) and my best friend (bride). Ive already spent about $150 on shower party. And we also gave them $100 for a tradition. So thats already $250. I know they prefer cash, but how much?
Posted by: Andrea | November 01, 2006 at 08:34 PM
Yikes Andrea, that's a tough one. Obviously you have already spent quite a bit of money for their wedding. How much more is really up to you and what you are comfortable with. Don't give more than you can easily afford. Although they prefer cash, as someone so close, I would try to find something that may carry more meaning. If you spend a little less but find something really cool, they will appreciate it and not think at all about how much you spent. Let Aunt Bea from out of town give the cash.
Posted by: lamoneyguy | November 01, 2006 at 10:40 PM
Buffet style doesn't necessarily mean less expensive. Ours is running $95/person for the meal and open bar, as we are opting for a more elegant selection. In addition to the meal costs, the little things skyrocket the price! Heck, they are charging $1300 just to let us have the ceremony there. On top of that, it's $6/chair for ribbons, $250/upgrade to add tulle to the staircase, cake is extra, flowers are extra, and the list goes on...One of the last weddings that I was in was in Canada. I paid for my plane ticket, mani/pedi, shoes, dress, jewelry, etc..and spent $200 on a wedding gift. Of course she is a close friend. For another couple that I've known a couple of years, I spent $200 combined for wedding & shower gifts. While looking at various venues (we're in Vegas), the lowest price menu items I found, and they were simple chicken and past dishes, were around $75/person to include open bar for about 4 hours. So, that's $150/couple for food...not including entertainment, etc. If attending the wedding, I think you should look at least $100-200 per couple for a wedding gift...and keep shower gifts to cash or smaller registry items. If you are in it, you can spend less..your presence is part of their gift. If you can't attend, I'd go around $100 for a shower/wedding gift combo.. That seems to be the price range that folks I know follow, also. Finally, if you are on a limited budget, try being creative and making a scrapbook or recipe book or something that they will cherish as your time is more precious than any cash or gift you could give!
Posted by: Becki | November 29, 2006 at 09:07 PM
I have just been invited to the wedding of a very close friend of mine. I will be travelling to Montana from Alberta to get there. 5+ hour trip. I am also staying with the couple as they have rented a vacation cottage for the event and will be right at the Lake. They are a very relaxed, alternative couple and will be backpacking Europe for a couple of Months for the honeymoon. My friend Mike is in the process of Immigrating to the US so he can be with his Sarah. The invitation has requested that in Lieu of gifts, donations be made to:
Women for Women Society
Some other legit thing I can't remember
or the Sarah and Mike Immigration Fund
I plan to give $100 to the Mike and Sarah immigration fund. They are wonderful people and I hope they have a wonderful life together. I am also saving about $500 on hotels staying at the cabin and catching a lift with a mutual friend. I love how relaxed this event is going to be. When one of my siblings was married they wrote "Presentment" on the invitation and pissed everyone on my Mom's side of the family off as they are farm "stock" people.
Posted by: Melanie Tritz | April 12, 2007 at 09:36 AM