Couples Fighting Over Money

I received this email from a reader:

Last night I decided that my fiancé' and I had the last fight about money we will have.  (Well, it I can help it, it was.)  We are getting married this coming May and look at money  a little differently.  I am very uptight about spending money on certain things.  i.e. eating out.    It's crazy, I know.  I grew up kind of poor and started to work at an early age to pay for everything I have.   I think that my uptightness comes from that.  Now, we both have decent jobs and make pretty good money.  However, I am still uptight.  I do not want to carry this uptightness into our marriage and I really want to change.

PLEASE HELP!    I know that many marriages end because of money issues, and I don’t want that to be us.

Any advice on how to give my uptightness with money the good heave ho?

I have a fairly lengthy response to this, but please, please please help this young woman out with additional advice.  Especially from those who have "been there."

My response...

This is tough, isn't it?  We all enter relationships with different experiences and emotions which play critical roles in determining our values.  Some, we are comfortable with, even proud of.  Maybe someone is frugal because of a spendthrift parent, now struggling to retire comfortably.  In this case, they may view their frugality as a good thing.  Another, having lost loved ones at an early age, may spend lavishly because, "you have to live for today."

The point, and this is an important one, is that regardless of your attitude towards money, it is not ever something to be ashamed of.  It is entirely another matter if it is causing friction in your relationships.  The approach that I would take is to address that friction, and at the same time, become comfortable with your attitude towards money.  I advise the following steps:

1.  Come to terms with your values about money.  Ask your Fiance to do the same.  This should be apart from one another to avoid any influence during the process and more important, any judging.  Go ahead and label yourself.  You are frugal, cheap, uptight, even parsimonious.  Get that out of the way.  Okay then.

Now ask yourself this:  what does money mean to you?  Don't think of things, like cars, jewelry or houses.  Think about emotions.  Everyone's responses are different, and this will tell you more about your money values than anything else.  Does money represent opportunity?  Prestige?  Security?  Independence?  Survival?

Another way to approach this question is to ask yourself, what would it mean to you if you had a lot of money?  One of the things we are trying to understand is why you are "uptight."  Perhaps having money in the bank makes you feel safe.  Perhaps going out to eat makes you feel guilty.  For spenders, treating friends to dinner may make them feel liked or important.  Owning nice clothes or cars may make them feel successful or proud.

Give yourselves a couple of days to think about this one.  DO NOT talk about money in the meantime.

2.  Once you have thoroughly stewed over the first question, you are now ready for step #2: communication.  Sit down in a quiet, uninterrupted setting.  Promise that you will not judge, fight or insult each other.  Share what you discovered in step #1.  Share stories that support these values.  Maybe those stories are the embarrassment of waiting in the "free lunch" line at school.  Maybe it's memories of Dad, traveling for business all the time, showing his love through frivolous gifts.  This is powerful, not just for the conversations about budgets and savings that you are going to have, but for your relationship.

By the end of this conversation, you may be emotionally drained.  Do not launch into any practical discussion about budgets, credit cards, going out to eat, etc.  That will come next.  Have a nice dinner (cooking or going out), rent a funny movie, have a good night's rest.

3.  Good morning.  Now that you have a better understanding of each other's values around money, it's time to get down to the nitty gritty.  Are your finances merged?  If not, you will need to do separate budgets.  Even if that is the case, you should go through this process together.

Your budget should be done every month.  Each month is different.  This month you have the holidays, another month may involve your car registration coming due.  Figure out how much money you have coming in, and where each dollar will go.  If your income varies, budget for January based on what you made in December.

Decide how much you should save, how much you will spend on groceries, gas, insurance, charitable giving, clothing, and yes, going out.  Do this together.  What this will do is show you on paper that you can go out to eat, maybe go shopping for clothes and still put some money in the savings account.  The difference is that it is no longer haphazard, and there are no spur of the moment decisions or spur of the moment fights.  If you have budgeted $150 for going out to eat, then go out to eat.  There's no guilt.  That's what it's budgeted for.  Likewise, if you budget $200 for savings, then make sure that money gets put away yesterday.  No matter what else happens, if you stick to the budget, that money is saved.

What you are doing here is saving on purpose, giving on purpose and spending on purpose.

If your fiance wants to go out, instead of just saying, "c'mon, let's go out to dinner," he can say, "we have thirty four bucks left for going out, where do you want to go this weekend?"  He'll be happier, and you'll be more comfortable.

Final thoughts:

Despite what you hear about "statistics", I don't think ANY marriages end due to fights over money.  I think the fights are about miscommunication, lack of responsibility, lack of discipline.  Those are the three key elements to make this work.  Don't try to change yourself.  Follow the process that I described to become comfortable with your values and those of your Fiance.  Trying to "change yourself" to end fights with your Fiance is no way to enter a marriage.

I hope that was the last fight you will have about money.  You will still have disagreements, but if it is in the context of "I think we should allocate more to the travel budget," they won't be fights.

Best wishes.  And I would be more than happy to follow up with any questions or problems that you have with what I have recommended.

Comments

[D]

Good Advice lamoneyguy!

Money is a big issue in any marriage, but is only noticed if you have to polar personalities. The same goes for integrity, honesty and morality. It is when these issues are opposing that divorce is something to be worried about.

They are what I believe are our cores. So, in essence I do believe they can be at the root of a divorce. This does not mean to end the relationship with your spending partner, when you are a saver. It does mean to talk, talk and then talk again.

Always keep your conversations on the single side - meaning say "I feel" or "I like". Never "You do this" or "You make me feel". Using the You only creates a feeling of attack.

The budget will help tremendously, but both need to understand that a budget is merely a guideline. Some months could waiver. When they do, remember you love this person and "it's only money".

Then make the next budget to regain some balance. This way both parties are happy in their life and with their decisions.

All aspects of marriage can be looked at this way and build and stregthen your connection. Don't let these issues weaken your foundation!

[Lazy Man and Money]

My fiancee prefers to eat out more than I do. I have tried to get her to understand what the money could be used for if we cook at home more often. That has worked to a large degree.

When we do go out, I try to keep it toward cheaper dinners most of the time. Sometimes that means going Boston Market or Papa Gino's (regional in the Northeast). Happily, she doesn't have expensive tastes, so this solution works for us. We also do the occassional splurge night out, but I'd say they are about 5-7 times a year.

As LA Money Guy says, it really helps to have a budget in mind.

[Wanda]

I think this is difficult because everyone has what they "value" for their money. I love the whole restaurant experience, but my ex didn't. So while I'd be willing to spend $30 on a nice meal, he wants to spend that money on video games. It was a source of friction at times, but I've just learned to let it go. Most of the time if I want to get good food I'll treat, and he would get the movies or something.

[moneysmartlife]

My two cents for married couples whether they have money troubles or not.

Buy "Smart Couples Finish Rich" by David Bach and read it TOGETHER!

[The Finance Buff]

What if you can't agree on a budget? What if the spender thinks the savings goal too aggressive and more should be allocated to eating out or whatever? What if one wants to go over the budget on spending? The easy way out is giving in, because it's not worth ruining the relationship. Perhaps couples should have separate finances. Let the saver save and let the spenders spend. Despite the blogging efforts, I'm pessimistic about converting a spender into a saver.

[lamoneyguy]

Thank you all for your comments. I hope others have a take on this and continue to contribute.

Finance Buff, ah the contrarian. It's good to have opposing views. Here's my take on your questions. If you begin with your values and both parties are open minded compromise in the budget process can be reached. If your values are so out of sync, maybe there are deeper problems in the relationship. Also, in a household of two separately operating parts, but lives intertwined in every other way possible, finances can never be fully separate. It is like a CFO hoping that the company's income statement will end up in the black because they told the IT department to cutback, but allowed marketing to spend whatever they want.

Despite the blogging efforts, I'm pessimistic about converting a spender into a saver.

This line in particular I disagree with. I used to be a spender. Still battle the tendencies once in a while. But I have become a saver because I asked myself why I felt compelled to be a spender.

How we deal with money is an extension of our values. Can a marraige work if one values family and the other values prestige and social status? Maybe, but it'll take work. Can a marraige work if one values saving and frugality while the other values fine dining and expensive cars? Maybe, but it'll take work.

[Him]

Great answer, LAMG. You're absolutely correct: it's all about communication.

Smart Couples Finish Rich was a great starting point for us.

I'll add this post to our upcoming Finances and Relationships aggregator thing.

[The Finance Buff]

LA MoneyGuy,

Thanks for the follow up. I didn't mean that spenders can't convert themselves into savers. There are plenty of examples for that on the blogs. Former spenders can definitely turn into savers if they are motivated from within. I'm was referring to the "preaching to the chrior" effect of blogging. People who read blogs are already receptive to saving money. People who have the most fun spending money are not reading the blogs and I'm pessimistic about the prospect of converting them. Don't we all have a brother/sister or know someone like that? Sorry I digressed.

[credit card owner]

I think love is more important than money. Couples can fight over loans, credit cards, pay checks but if they love each other they will stay together. That's true. My boyfriend has an incredible ability to spend money UNwisely. But I don't mind supporting him because he is a wonderful person.

[credit card owner]

Love is more important than money. Couples can fight over loans, credit cards, pay checks but if they love each other they will stay together. That's true. My boyfriend has an incredible ability to spend money UNwisely. But I don't mind supporting him because he is a wonderful person.

[credit card girlfriend]

I do not think that couples divorce only because of money. There are many other reasons for that. They can quarell because of any disorders, car, children, unfaithfulness and so on. But love can overcomes all these daily misunderstandings. My husband did not enjoy my money spendings till recent time.I like to go shopping very much. We have found a compromise. Now I get a credit card with a credit limit on it and always try not to exceed it.

[Economic and Culture Observer (Lenno Cornish)]

I live with my brother and the biggest part of spendings we share togother. But we earn money from different sources. So - in order not to have wasteless quarrels we just made something like a belt with pockets. We wrote the date lines on these pockets and now we can see how much money we have for some concrete period.