Gift Registry: Where did you register?

Among the things that happen during the wedding planning is that people spend extra money on things they never would have in real life.  There's a part of me that can understand spending a few hundred bucks to cover the seats, or whatever crazy amounts are required for flowers and photographers.  But when it comes to registries, I have to wonder, why do people register for $50 plates, and $120 stemware sets.  If they were out shopping with their own money, would they even consider buying this stuff?

Giving cash and paying for parts of the Honeymoon have become much more popular.  Especially as the trend towards pre-marital cohabitation has grown.  Couples who have been living together, already have most of the plates, blenders and various kitchen sundry they need. Suddenly, registering at Macy's or Williams Sonoma for fine china seems so unnecessary.  Who ever uses that stuff anyway?  So, what are you supposed to do?

In a very casual manner, somewhat joking even, I mentioned yesterday that I would like to register at Target.  This was after dinner at my Parents' house.  My sister emphatically agreed.  My Fiancee was there, but we haven't discussed it further.  It's something that I would like to at least consider.

I am currently reading Your Money and Your Man, by Michelle Singletary.  I realize that it is probably meant for women, but as both a future groom and husband, as well as someone who advises couples on money, I wanted to read something written specifically from and for the female perspective.  There are a number of things in the book that I'm not sure I understand, and some that I flat out disagree with.  But one issue I was on the fence on was the gift registries.  Hence this post.

She finds the trend towards asking for cash, help in paying for the honeymoon, furniture, or even asking for stocks to be rather disturbing.  Genteel panhandling,  she calls it.  I agree that it can be a little distasteful.  But we have all been invited to weddings in which the registry was nothing but the highest of high end fine china and crystal stemware.  I would much rather "sponsor" their para-sailing in Waikiki than buy them a pretentious set of stemware that will seldom be used.  And from a personal finance perspective, it is much more practical to buy them a couple of shares in a favorite company.  In fact, if they are big fans of a publicly traded company such as Disney, Coca-Cola, Starbucks, or Tiffany, a framed stock certificate is a terrific gift.

But is it distasteful?  I think gift registries are personal, but must be approached with class, as this is probably the area most likely to insult guests.  They'll eat the rubber chicken or pony up at the cash bar.  But ask for cash in lieu of gifts, and I guarantee you some aunt on someone's side will consider it an affront.

One idea I thought about was simply registering for too few gifts for the number invited.  This will do a couple of things.  First, it will prevent us from just registering for everything in sight because the nice lady at Nordstrom's said it was "so us."  Instead, we will get those things that we truly want and need.  Second, when someone checks the registry and finds that nothing is left, they will do one of two things.  They will either give us money, which I'm very okay with, or they will have to get creative.  If this is someone who knows us, they may know that we love to travel or eat out, but hate paying for it.  So, maybe they buy us a gift certificate to a nice restaurant or a stay at a nice hotel.

I know that there are many engaged or newlywed couples among the Personal Finance blogosphere.  I would be interested in hearing ideas on this potential hot bed issue.

Comments

[c]

Every etiquitte book in the world indicates that asking for $ to finance anything is a big no-no. When I registered, I registered at Target, Williams Sonoma and Linens N Things. I did register for some things we wouldn't have usually bought on our own, but would have loved to have. And we got some of those things. We also got tons of giftcards for those places. A year and a half after my wedding I just used up the last of my gift cards. Remember--even though the gift is for you, and many people like registeries because they don't have to guess at what you may or may not like, it's the gift givers choice. And some people think of giving money, even if it's for a honeymoon, as very impersonal...

[lamoneyguy]

Thanks for commenting, C. I know the ettiquite books all tsk-tsk asking for cash. And we wouldn't specifically do that. But it's not because Emily Post or Miss Manners tells us not to. I don't mind gift cards, but as you mention, you may end up sitting on those gift cards for a year or more. If you had $1,000 in gift cards, you lose appx $40 in potential interest. If you also carried $1,000 in credit card debt during that time, receiving gift cards instead of cash may cost as much as $200 in interest costs. Not the most romantic way of looking at things, but reality to me.

I have heard that Bed Bath and Beyond allows you to return gifts for cash. Can anyone confirm this?

[SaraJane]

Actually most etiquette books say the idea of posting where you registered is a big no-no. The polite thing to do is wait until you are asked.

How inconvenient is that for all parties involved!

First of all, I don't feel obligated to send a gift to every wedding I get invited to... I know people who do a ROI calc on each invite they send. That's the problem with all of this stuff. If I care enough to send something, much less GO to a wedding, the bride and groom know me well enough to know that money is not at all impersonal, its practical. Now if you could send gift cards that must be used to pay off debt, that would be my kind of gift card!

[mapgirl]

I think asking for cash is a no-no because in the past it was considered poor taste. But since I'm Asian, I'm ok with cash. You have to take into account what registries meant in the past. A girl doesn't keep a trousseau anymore. And she stopped doing it probably when she could register for all her house linens. When kids lived with their parents before marriage, they didn't have full sets of dishes like they do now, having lived on their own for 10 years before getting married.

Registries are a bit out of date. And if you think Riedel stemware and sets of silver and china are pretentious, then don't register for them. You can register at Sears and Home Depot to get tools and other stuff you might need around the house, like a lawn mower or gas grille. I look forward to the day where I can sip from Riedel stemware. It's something I have considered purchasing without getting married.

It's a matter of perspective. To me, cash is ok because my family's culture gives gifts of cash because that's what you use to finance your first home's downpayment. Or else it's easiest to send money overseas via wire transfer or international money order than a wrapped present.

For very close friends, I haven't shopped their registry. That's for your second cousin Betty to pick from. One of the best gifts I ever gave and the one for which I got the most praise was two bottles of Veuve Cliquot Yellow Label champagne and a box of Romeo and Juliet cigars. The groom was my friend and we'd shared many an evening conversing about the world over a drink and a smoke. One bottle was for their honeymoon, the second for their first anniversary. My friend also complained mightily that the registry was for his wife and what she wanted, so I got him something he really could enjoy while celebrating marriage. I gave them at the rehearsal dinner-post party. I went to bed early, but I heard they popped open the first bottle in the restaurant's parking lot and the cigars went over well with all the men and a few women. I know they saved the second bottle for a while since it was at their house about 2 years after their wedding. I told them not to hold on to it for too long. I didn't want them to drink vinegar.

That was probably one of the most successful gifts I ever gave for any occasion because it was meaningful and thoughtful about the recipient and what he liked. So I guess, what are you expecting in the way of celebrating your marriage? If the gifts don't mean anything, you could ask people to make donations to a charity. If you need the money to cover the wedding's expenses, then just ask. The rule of thumb is that the gift giver is supposed to get a gift equivalent to the cost of hosting the guest, but people rarely do that.

I'm not sure any of that helps, but I hope it does!

[udandi]

I would probably call the BB&B I plan to deal with in order to verify how they operate on these matters.

if you're carrying credit card debt and want to pay it down/off, certainly cash would be better than gift cards or gifts, but I doubt you're guests are considering that. They might be bargain hunters who will get you that place setting when the department store has a sale, in order to save themselves money. :shrug:

[Kim]

We registered at Target and Bed Bath & Beyond. Yes, BB&B does give cash for returns. We ended up decided to keep only 8 of the 13 place settings we registered for, plus we took back some of the kind-of-want gifts and bought the ones we really wanted.

Target can be a lot of fun to register at, because of the crazy variety of stuff. We registered for (and received) camping gear, video games and lots of gift cards which we can use for even groceries!

Another tip, if you really want cash but don't want to ask for it, don't include in the invitation anything about where you are registered. If someone asks, tell them, of course. I think we ended up with a much bigger pile of cash because we did that.

[Eileen Denz]

I think that it is kind of tasteless to just ask for cash. I've heard/experienced many instances of the bride and groom being incredibly rude in relation to monitary gifts. I think the small registry idea is a good one if you want money for a house/pay down debt, because it still leaves room for the guest to decide what they want to give you.

We've registered at Target and Sears. Target is mostly kitchen stuff that we want, and would end up buying with money if that's what we recieved. Sears is mostly home stuff since we are buying our first house and need yard stuff. We didn't register for any china for two reasons: a) any thing that was remotely attractive was ridiculously expensive and we felt it was a waste of money and b) the plates were HUGE. I found myself looking at the salad plates and thinking they were dinner plates.

All in all, I think that Target is a good place to register - and some people like to give actual gifs b/c they care for you and want to treat you to something special and indulgent - double if you don't normall induldge yourself.

[Amanda]

The whole thing is, a gift is a gift, its optional and a choice to give. However, with weddings, you dictate what items you want anyways, so what is so wrong with dictating that those items be dollars?
My fiance and I have not done this for our wedding, which is in two months. However, that being said, I have gotten so much darn crap in the two showers over the past few weeks, I don't know what to do with it all! I know I shouldn't complain - these are gifts! - but it just seems wasteful and silly.
Yet - being tasteful is also key... its a very sticky situation!
On a side note, we registered at Target, Crate and Barrel and Tiffany. Its a tradition in my family to give china, so I had to do that, but hopefully the benefit of registering at Target will be the ease of returning unwanted items!

[quartersaver]

I really enjoyed your post; I got married about three years ago and the registry topic did inspire some debate. The main thing to remember is that the choices you make about the wedding and the registry are always going to inspire comments: "Why did they register for such expensive stuff?" "Why did they register here, and not there?" "Why are they serving beef and not chicken?" "I hate their color scheme." Get used to that. Or stick your fingers in your ears and wiggle your fingers. :)

What your blog didn't really make clear to me is what you and your fiancee actually *want* to receive. Maybe it's cash, because you seem to wonder whether it's cool to ask for that. But you said you wanted to register at Target. Then do that!

But the thing with weddings is, there's an impression (given by both the couple and the guests) that the gift sort of needs to be wedding-worthy. By that I mean: When I was getting married, we registered for high-quality stuff that might be pricey (All-Clad pots, etc), maybe a little beyond what we'd normal spend ourselves, that we fully expected to last for the long haul. As a wedding guest, I want to give the couple a good-quality gift that is probably more $$ than they'd ever buy for themselves. A little luxury. A gift that they can use over and over, and have for a long time. I don't want to give them the video game that they registered for at Wal-Mart, because in six months, that gift probably won't mean much to the loving couple.

The thing with cash is that some people (myself included) don't feel comfortable giving it because we look like we didn't put any thought into what you two close friends/relatives/people whose tastes I should know might enjoy (remember the Seinfeld episode: "You got me CASH??? CASH??" on Elaine's birthday?). And however helpful cash would be for you to pay down your debt, there's no tangible gift for you to appreciate. And I want you to look at that pot/plate/vase/whatever and say, "I'm so glad Bob got me that. I love that pot."

As far as the etiquette of it all, there are nice ways to put the word out about what you really want. Tell your immediate families what you prefer, and they'll share the info with whomever asks. Or if you have a wedding website, you can put a comment about how you're splurging on a big honeymoon trip to Cancun the likes of which you'll never be able to afford again, and see if people get the hint. Good luck!

[quartersaver]

Oops. Above that's "stick your thumbs in your ears and wiggle your fingers," haha!

And we registered at Williams Sonoma, BBB and Amazon.com.

[lamoneyguy]

Interesting comments. I know everyone comes from a different perspective with this stuff. I think quartersaver hit it on the head that no matter what we do, there will be those waiting to criticize or complain.

I think I would more appreciate cash than my fiancee, but we both feel we could certianly use it. I love hearing how many people registered at Target. We'll definitely consider it.

[calgirlfinance]

When I registered at Bed Bath and Beyond, they promised that I could return everything purchased at their store for cash, as long as I have proof that it came from BBB - either it came with a packing receipt or if the purchaser had the registry scanned when the bought the gift.

I'm registered at BBB and Macy's. I was thinking about doing one more - either Target or Amazon, but being Asian, I am hoping for more monetary gifts so I might not need anything else.

On my registry I did splurge more on some items. But in reality, I would love to just get the money and go on a shopping spree at Costco. They have high quality towels, china, cookware, etc.

[Pei]

i was thinking about what to get for my friend's wedding...but it is hard to decide since they didn't give us any idea...we want to give them money..but it is always the question of "how much should we give?"..this is hard...does anyone have any suggestions?

[Rudy]

I think these are a great ideas: rainfallofenvelopes.com, thebigday.com, honeymoonwishes.com